Top Ten Things I Think Would be Cool to Do
by Illisandria Carthain
Summary: "This is why being a field agent is on my list of top ten things I think would be cool to do." "Wh-what are the oth-th-ther nine?" "Classified!" AU Perryshmirtz


(A/N: on a compete aside, I came up with this while I was cleaning the bathroom...odd place to be drafting stories but...okay. I hope all of you Perryshmirtz fans enjoy this. I may make it into a story (full-blown) if people ask nicely enough. :P Enjoy!)

**/P E R R Y S H M I R T Z\**

**The List of Top Ten Things I Think Would be Cool to Do**

**/P E R R Y S H M I R T Z\**

In the O.W.C.A. headquarters, the lead R&D scientist stretched outward and sighed as his back cracked. He looked up and smiled when the door "whoosh"ed open and Agent P walked in. "Ah...Agent P. Just the monotreme I needed to see," when Agent P only nodded curtly, the scientist took that as his queue to go on, "I have some new weapons and defense systems for you."

"T-t-t-they been test-t-ted?" There was a reason Agent P didn't talk too much; that same reason was why he had received the moniker "platypus". The scientist nodded and Agent P's eyes narrowed, "Are y-y-you sure D-D-D-D-Doctor D-D? Because i-i-i-if it isn't, and-d-d-d I get in-injured, you know wh-wh-wh-what will happen t-t-to you."

"I swear on my honor and my good name that these have been tested. Agent C is our fifteenth test subject and at this point we're just making sure that they're idiot-proof." Doctor D raised his hand in a mockery of swearing, a mischievous glint in his eyes. A loud squawking from the Proving Ground made Agent P laugh and he nodded, following Doctor D into the viewing-booth for the Proving Ground and sat down.

Doctor D handed Agent P a trenchcoat, brown like he asked for, and motioned to the first booth of the Proving Ground where Agent C was standing. "Test C-6 of Weapon System T-6.7!" Doctor D commanded to the other scientists in the booth with Agent C. They muttered something to the agent and then gave the thumbs up. Doctor D turned back to Agent P and smiled, "This doohickey here doesn't have a name just yet but it is one of my-our best weapons systems yet. With just a flick of the wrist you can pull out concealed needles, about a few inches in length, that contain a powerful anesthesia that will knock out whomever you inject within thirty seconds. That's for covert missions," Doctor D explained as he and Agent P watched Agent C knock out the scientist closest to him accidentally, "Don't play with yourself while wearing this coat or else you'll be...unconscious."

Agent P rolled his eyes and snorted, "L-l-like I'd ev-v-v-v-ver p-play with m-m-myself w—" Agent P caught Doctor D's eyes and blushed furiously, muttering the rest of his response, "at all..."

Doctor D smirked and looked back at Agent C in the booth. "The next weapon is the collapsable sub-machine gun. You shrug your shoulders, first right then left, and BOOM! insta-gun-in-your-hands. For when you need to make an...impression on your enemy. Just remember that you have to actually know how to use a gun to work this one so Agent C is not getting one of these." Agent P saw why immediately: Agent C had managed to get the gun stuck halfway between his hands and the secret compartment where it was stored and was shooting everything. Accidentally of course, but it made Doctor D glad they had made the Proving Ground booths practically invulnerable. The only thing that would scratch the walls of those booths was a nuke and no one in the O.W.C.A. was going anywhere near the idea of nuclear weapons or energy sources.

Doctor D pushed the intercom button and spoke again, "Scientist X please equip Agent C with Weapon H-4.8. Proceed with test C-6 of Weapon H-4.8." Another nod and Scientist X was removing Agent C's trenchcoat and handing him a small 1940's fedora. Doctor D grabbed a hat, identical to the one Agent C had, and looked at Agent P nonchalantly, "This little beauty is something I got from a book I read once. With just the right flick of the wrist, this hat becomes the coolest weapon ever," he flicked his wrist downwards at a fifteen degree angle to the right and the hat flattened out to a disk, blades shooting out of it and making it look like an oversized shuriken. He threw the hat and it stuck in the wooden door, quivering slightly.

Agent P looked stunned, "Th-th-th-that's cool."

"Yeah," Doctor D sighed, "This is why being a field agent is on my list of top ten things I think would be cool to do."

"Wh-what are the oth-th-ther nine?" Agent P tilted his head slightly and Doctor D could barely stop from blushing right there as his hazel-colored eyes became obscured by his teal hair.

"Classified!" Doctor D stuck up his nose and smirked; he had always known that Agent P could barely resist prying information from his lips, even when they were enemies. It was a trait that stuck with him now, when they were on the same team.

"I—" Agent P began.

Doctor D cut him off, "But if you drop by my place for dinner, maybe I'll tell you." Agent P shot him a dirty look and then sighed in defeat. "See you at six?"

Agent P nodded and looked back at the booth. His face lit up and he started laughing, "Idiot-p-p-p-proof, huh?"

When Doctor D saw the mess Agent C was making with the hat-shuriken he scowled and pressed the button underneath his desk, calling the medics. "Shut up. Just shut up."

**/P E R R Y S H M I R T Z\**

Agent P arrived on-time and stood at Doctor D's doorway, smoothing the legs of his tux-pants. He wasn't so sure why he had gotten dressed up for this but it just felt right. He reached out for the doorbell when the door yanked open and Doctor D poked his head out, cheerily grinning.

"Ah, Agent P! Come in, come in," he gestured at a chair at his table and laughed, "I know, you're probably wondering why I kept this old place on my new paycheck when I'm not evil anymore but it holds sentimental value for me. I just couldn't part with the place."

"I-I never as-s-sked why you st-st-still had this p-p-place." Agent P sat down and crossed his legs, "Th-the list?"

"Pish-posh! That list can wait until later!" Doctor D waved his hand in the air and walked to his hutch, rummaging around in the cabinet. "First a pre-dinner drink!"

"I c-came for dinner and s-s-s-some answer-r-rs, not cheap win-n-ne and cheap talk." Agent P crossed his arms as well and looked directly at Doctor D's butt, blushing and looking away, the thought that it looked pretty good for a butt crossing his mind.

"You insult me Agent P. This is my family's best wine! And my talk is not cheap, I happen to have plenty of topics." Doctor D sat down with a bottle of red wine and two wineglasses, "So...how is work?"

Agent P's eyes narrowed, "You kn-n-now how work's b-been."

The doctor smiled and shrugged, "Yeah, but I like hearing it from you." He poured two glasses of wine and continued, "Who's your new nemesis again? Professor Poofenplotz or whatever?"

Agent P balked slightly, "H-how did you know th-th-that?"

Doctor D shrugged, passing a glass to Agent P, "Do you think I spend ALL my time in the lab developing weapons?"

Agent P stared at the doctor and then sipped his wine, surprised at the fine, smooth taste. "Yeah, w-well I'm teaming up-p-p with the A-Agent P from Wanda's d-d-d-division and the Ag-g-gent P from Seattle to b-beat her. We're short on v-v-v-v-villains as of late."

"Yeah, well we can't all be perfectly evil like I was," Doctor D laughed and took a long swig of his wine, desperately chasing away the butterflies in his stomach. There was a pregnant and awkward silence and then Agent P, now on his third glass of wine, cleared his throat.

"Th-the list?" His eyes were slightly unfocused and he was blinking rapidly, "Y-you promised."

Doctor D was on his sixth glass and was slightly less nervous than before. He giggled and shook his head, "No, it's embarrassing..."

"No need-n-n-no need to b-be embarrassed, we're friends, ar-ren't we? Agent P looked Doctor D directly in the eyes and smiled sincerely.

"Okay...," the doctor blushed and looked down, "Number ten on my list of cool things to do is be a field agent. Number nine is to develop time-travel. Number eight is to travel across dimensions. Number seven is to live my life over again, fixing the mistakes I made. Number six is to have full custody of my daughter. Number five is to be a kid again; just for laughs and the childhood experience I missed out on," he explained. Doctor D sighed and continued, "Number four is to learn real magic; not the charlatan kind using prestidigitation, nor the satanic type either. Number three is to be the head of the O.W.C.A. science division and completely outrank Dr. Coconut. Number two is to finally get the courage to confess...," Doctor D suddenly looked very uncomfortable.

Agent P put his hand on Doctor D's shoulder and nodded, "D-d-don't be afraid. I'm h-here..."

The doctor's face reddened and he looked away. Then he spoke up, "N-number one is...um...well...to do this..." He cupped his hands around the back of Agent P's head and softly kissed him, drawing back in embarrassment.

Agent P was shocked, where had that come from? It was completely out of the blue! "I-I..."

"Oh...I'm sorry...I...," Doctor D blushed and stood up, running off, "Sorry!"

There was the sound of a door slamming and then Agent P was alone. 'What just happened, he wondered, was that-? Did he-? But-?' He shook his head and stared at his hands, 'why do I feel this way? Like...like if I took one look at him I'd melt. Like if I got close enough I'd throw myself into his arms. Like if he kissed me again I'd kiss him back. Do I-? Do I love him?'

Inside his bedroom, Doctor D was crying. "Stupid stupid stupid stupid," he wailed in German, "I am so stupid! Why did I do that? Why did I have to ruin a perfectly good friendship? Why?" A soft knock sounded at the door and he rolled over on his bed, "Go 'way," he shouted at the door, still in German, "Lemme 'lone!"

"No," Agent P answered in German, "I'm n-n-not going to. Doctor D-D-D-D-D, I have something t-to t-t-t-tell you!"

"You can tell me from outside the door."

"Let me in Heinz." Agent P used his first name; he used his real name, not his Organization name.

The door creaked open and Doctor D's long nose poked out of the doorframe, "What do you want?" The scientist sniffled miserably.

"Th-this." Agent P pulled Doctor D in and kissed him, chastely on the lips. The doctor melted in the agent's arms and began to kiss him back.

When they broke Doctor D stared into Agent P's brown eyes with adoration and confusion, "You-?"

"Yeah...m-me," Agent P smiled, staring back at him, "Look, Hienz—"

"Shut up and kiss me Perry." Doctor D pulled Agent P in for another kiss and this time Agent P kissed him back.

"Whatever you say Hienz," Agent P whispered.

**/P E R R Y S H M I R T Z\**

(A/N: wow...this started out as me planning on them having sex and ended with them just making out. Funny what a date with your boyfriend will do to your rotten mind. Hope you liked this.)


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